What Hurts the Most
by InsanityInReverse
Summary: I tried to ignore the feelings that sprouted once he was gone. I tried to ignore the feeling of sadness and guilt that tried to overcome me. My mind tries to tell me that I'm fine, that I'll get over him eventually. Kurow/Scholar Lady - One-shot


**Disclaimer: I don't own Okami nor do I own the song What Hurts the Most by Cascada/Rascall Flats.**

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><p>I never thought that I would be able to feel such sorrow for someone.<p>

Being social was never one of my strong points; my job was the only thing that kept my busy. I never had any interests outside of studying the history of Nippon. Nothing caught my interest besides that. Never in my life would I have thought that I would be able to get so close to someone, in such short time.

He was a simple boy, just a boy. I had expected it when he had asked me out, I noticed that I got a lot of male attention. But he was persistent, so I made a deal with him. We agreed that if he could bring Gen back, then he would get the date he was asking for.

He did bring back Gen, but he never received his end of the deal.

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><p><strong><em>I'm not afraid to cry<br>Every once in a while even though goin' on  
>With you gone still upsets me<em>**

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><p>I do admit, I did cry once I found out his fate. I clutched his flute tightly to my chest, hoping from the bottom of my heart that he would somehow make it out alive. Thinking back on it, I realize that I really did want to go out with him.<p>

And I still do.

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><p><strong><em>There are days<br>Every now and again I pretend I'm okay  
>But that's not what gets me<em>**

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><p>I tried to ignore the feelings that sprouted once he was gone. I tried to ignore the feeling of sadness and guilt that tried to overcome me. My mind tries to tell me that I'm fine, that I'll get over it eventually and forget about him, but my heart tells me otherwise.<p>

My heart tells me that I'll never forget him. That he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

My mind tries to contradict that. It tells me that I'll get over him. That I have to and I'm just going through some kind of stage or something.

Although I know my heart is mostly correct, I also know that my mind holds some truth, as well.

I know that he's gone and what bothers me the most is probably my feeling of guilt. I feel bad that I never gave him his date, he was absolutely smitten with me, I could tell. Thinking about him brings a sad smile to my face, but it doesn't surprise me though. I had never smiled much in the past; my work had plastered a constant serious expression on my face.

I noticed that people would gape at me when I talked about Kurow. I always had a smile on my face, it shocked them. They would send me bemused looks and point at me. "Wow. That's something new, Scholar. You never used to smile." What they would say varied between each person, but it always held the same message.

I scoffed slightly. "Scholar" or "Lady" was not my name. I kept my name a secret from others, only a select few knew of it. I promised Kurow that he would know of my real name when we went on our date. That was just another thing I didn't get to tell him and another thing he missed out on.

I cast my gave to the ground, heaving a long, drawn-out sigh, tears starting to form in my eyes. I resisted the urge to make the tiniest sound, in fear that someone might hear me.

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><p><strong><em>What hurts the most<br>Was being so close  
>And having so much to say<br>And watching you walk away_**

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><p>He helped me fix up Sugawara's grave, he was so sweet. I looked at him from the side, smiling discreetly. Thankfully, he didn't notice. I thanked him for helping me restore Sugawara's grave before he turned away starting to walk back to Gen's place.<p>

"When I get back from the past, we'll definitely go on that date!" he called over his shoulder, flashing me a smile. I nodded at him and looked down, decided to count the lines on the ground. I didn't know at the time that that was the last time I would see him.

I want to say so many things to him now. How fast he had caught my interest, how I felt comfortable around him, and that I couldn't wait for our date. I hated myself for not having the courage to tell him earlier. But there's no way for me to say those things now, he's gone.

And I can't bring him back, no matter how much I wish I could.

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><p><strong><em>Never knowing<br>What could have been_**

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><p>I often wonder what would have happened if he had come back. What would have happened when we went on our date and if it had the potential to become something else? My heart tells me that it would have been great, that he would have made my life so much happier. I bit my lip softly, my teeth grinding into the soft flesh. I start to feel the tears running down my cheeks.<p>

I took off my glasses, placing them on the floor next to me. My eyes shut slowly, memories flooding back to me. As I reopened my eyes, I grit my teeth together, clenching my fists at my sides. As the tears continued to roll down my cheeks, falling down onto the wood floor, I let out a sniffle, albeit a small one, but still a noise. I berated myself silently, that was what I was trying not to do.

"I want to know what would have happened… what could have happened… but I guess I'll never know…" another sigh escaped me. I leant my head against my wall, swallowing deeply and taking a deep breath.

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><p><strong><em>It's hard to deal with the pain<br>Of losing you everywhere I go_**

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><p>I walked around Sei' an City dejectedly, letting my mind wander. Suddenly, without warning, I was knocked off my feet as someone bumped into me. Looking up, my head spinning slightly, I recognized the figure of Mr. Flower. "Oh," he muttered, looking down and bowing. "My apologies, Scholar. I was not paying attention. Please, let me help you up," he extended his hand in front of me. I grasped it firmly, letting him pull me up.<p>

Once I back on my feet, I wanted to object to his statement of him not paying attention. However, before I could get a word out, he started to ramble again, earning a light sigh from me. "My blossoms are doing absolutely fabulous–" he started, swinging his body lightly, his flower necklace moving in rhythm with him.

"I'm really am sorry, Mr. Flower," I apologized, earning his attention. "I would love to talk to you right now, but I'm busy. Please excuse me," I walked away quickly, praying that he wouldn't find a reason to stop me. Letting out a sigh of relief after hearing silence from him, I looked back cautiously, seeing his pink figure disappearing among the crowd.

I started walking again, having no goal of where I wanted to go in mind.

After walking around for several more minutes, I stopped, deciding to try and figure out where I was. Accessing my surroundings carefully, I realized I was in the Commoners Quarters. Shifting my gaze to look at whatever was in front of me, I felt my eyes darken. I was in front of the exit of Sei' an City. There is where I met Kurow for the first time…

I felt a stab of pain in my heart and my gaze fell to the ground, my expression unreadable.

_I had ran to the city, as fast as I could, I couldn't let Gen stay in there for longer than needed. As I approached the city, I saw a young child and a wolf pup. My body finally gave in as I collapsed in front of them, panting heavily. _

"_Sugawara…" I breathed out, "He's King Fury… Gen… in the ruins… Help him." _

My mind stopped the flashback there, deciding that my walk down memory-lane was not needed. I spun around and quickly walked away from the entrance, not being able to take the memories that were connected with that area.

I noticed that several people gave me weird looks, but I dismissed it, not slowing down until I reached my house. I quickly climbed the ladder leading up to it and walked in, collapsing on my bed. My fists clenched together involuntarily and I felt all the thoughts slipping from my mind.

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><p><strong><em>It's hard to force that smile when I<br>See our old friends and I'm alone_**

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><p>"Hello, Scholar," came a familiar voice. I turned around, slightly confused as to who was calling my title and was surprised to see Kagu behind me. "What are you doing?" she asked curiously, her childish nature showing through.<p>

"Walking," I answered simply, trying to avoid questions. "But enough about me. How is your Miko training going?" She smiled at me, the bells she wore in her hair swaying lightly in the wind. She moved her short black hair out of her eyes and answered confidently. "It's going great, Scholar! Miko Cho says I'm doing wonderfully!"

"That's good," I said, showing a small smile and patting her head lightly. "Well, I have to be going now. Gen needs me help with something again. I'll see you later, Kagu." I looked at her once more before straightening up and walking away, only stopping when I heard her voice call out to me.

"Do you miss Kurow?" I froze in mid-step, turning my head slowly. I nodded at her quickly before turning back and starting to walk away again, relieved to hear nothing but silence from her. _I miss him more than you think… _I thought to myself, closing my eyes slowly.

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><p><strong><em>Livin' with this regret<em>**

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><p><em>I made a discovery about myself today… <em>I thought quietly, resting my hand on my chin. "I have almost no regrets… except one…"

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><p><strong><em>But I know if I could do it over<br>I would trade, give away all the words  
>That I saved in my heart<br>That I left unspoken_**

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><p>"If you could do one thing over in your life, Lady, what would it be?" Gen asked curiously, fiddling around with his newest invention. I gave him an odd look, raising one of my eyebrows. He noticed my expression and looked at me intently. "I'm serious about this. I myself have a lot of regrets that I wish I could change. So, what would be the one thing you could chance if you were given the chance?"<p>

"It's a very selfish wish," she muttered, crossing her arms over her lap.

"Really?" he asked, looking up from his paper. "And what would this selfish wish be?"

"I don't really know if you'll understand how I feel but…" I trailed off, letting my gaze travel to the ground. "I wish I could alter the course of history; more specifically, a couple months ago… the incident with Chibiterasu and Kurow. If I had a choice, I would go back and try to find a way to make sure Kurow didn't have to sacrifice himself…"

"You really cared about that boy, didn't you?"

"Yes and I still do."

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><p><strong>AN: Yay? Despite it being a song-fic, I actually think that I didn't butcher it. But... I probably did anyways.  
><strong>

**Anyways, this is my first Okami/Okamiden fic. It obviously focuses on Kurow and Scholar Lady. I was thinking about making up a name for her, but decided against it. Excuse any mistakes about the events of the game. I haven't played Okamiden in like... a month or something. So I'm a little rusty on some of the cutscenes and such. This was also my first adventure into first-person. I don't think I did that bad at it, though. At least I hope I didn't do that bad.  
><strong>

**And I know some people don't like this couple (more like a lot of people) since it's such a big age difference among other things. I've seen _so_ many haters for this pairing and I really don't understand why. I mean, just because you don't like something doesn't give you the right to flame it. **

**Okay, I'm running off paragraphs now. **

**Until next time, see ya!  
><strong>


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